Dear Vlad

180px-vladtepes-756616Things you will never see in newspapers # 1:

Vlad the Impaler stands in for the Sun’s agony aunt Dear Deidre…

Dear Vlad, I have been in a good relationship for three years but have recently found out that boyfield has been cheating on me what should I do?

You poor baby. He’s obviously a rotter. I would suggest that you insert a sharpened pole through, say, his side or rectum, you can then plant your cheating pig of a boyfriend as a washing line pole in the back garden. 

Of course if you really want him to suffer you can insert the stake so that it avoids immediate death and will function as a plug to prevent extreme blood loss. his agony will be prolonged for many hours. 

For more help phone my HOW TO IMPALE YOUR CHEATING PARTNER helpline. 

I played a practical joke on my boyfriend to prove that looks are only skin deep. But now it’s backfired and I’m scared it will end our relationship. 

It started when I was teasing him about how he hates ginger hair. When he was away one weekend I dyed my hair red. 

I thought he’d see the funny side but he was furious. He said he’d be embarrassed to go out with me and I should dye my hair back. But I feel the truth came out that night. I am still ginger and want him to prove he loves me for who I am, not how I look. Am I being over-sensitive? 

No, of course you’re not being over-sensitive. Why not teach him that he shoudn’t be so shallow by nailing a red wig to his head? I’m sure he’ll be more sensitive after that. If all else fails, you can always impale him…

For more help phone my HANGING YOUR INSENSITIVE LOVER FROM A RUSTY SPEAR helpline.

Dear Vlad, My flatmate has bought a gerbil. I can’t stand small furry animals. What should I do…

Have you tried impaling the little fella?

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