Brides of Dracula

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‘The Most Evil Dracula of All’

‘He feeds his unearthly desires on youth and beauty… As he turns a girls’ school into a Chamber of Horrors!’

Director Terence Fisher
Writer Jimmy Sangster, Peter Bryan and Edward Percy

Stars Peter Cushing (Doctor Van Helsing) Martita Hunt (Baroness Meinster) Yvonne Monlaur (Marianne) Freda Jackson (Greta) David Peel (Baron Meinster)

Certificate X
Year 1960

Dastardly Plot
Old Drac is dead but his vampires still haunt Transylvania (no wonder they can never get tourists). However this doesn’t stop French school-teacher Marianne Danielle from taking a position at a Transylvanian girl’s school (yup, clever career move there girlie.) Of course, this being Transylvania before you know it her pesky coachman’s done a bunk leaving her no choice but to take shelter at the nearest spooky castle, the guest of an even creepier Baroness. But why does the Baroness keep her son, who every one believes is dead, chained up in the castle? And will Marianne be stupid enough to fall for his charms and his bizarre hair and free him? 
Well, what do you think? Thanks heavens Dr Van Helsing has been called in for a spot of vampire-busting. Well, who else are you going to call? 

Vicious Verdict
OK, first of all it has to be said that the title is ever so misleading. Dracula doesn’t appear in this film. Yup, he’s mentioned repeatedly but at this point in Hammer’s history Christopher Lee’s bloodsucker was definately out for the count. 

Bizarelly this fatal flaw in its marketing doesn’t hurt the film at all. Quite the opposite in fact. You’ve got no time to miss old fang-features as the spell of the Brides washes over you. In fact, I would say (and this is where I commit heresy) that this is actually a better film. 

First up, it’s genuially creepy at points. The Baroness herself sets the skin crawling far more than Christopher Lee’s slightly wooden performance in Dracula (whoops, there goes that heresy again) and the idea of padlocks just dropping off a victims coffin is actually more unnerving than it deserves to be. And the cackling, insane Greta calling through the fresh earth, talking a newly-vamped member of the undead how to claw out of the grave is wonderfully disturbing.

Then there’s the pathos of new vamp on the block, Baron Meinster’s mother plea for Van Helsing to put her out of her misery and the shocking extent of the Baron’s vengeance on old Helsing (Did anyone actually see that coming when they first watched the film?). OK, so the resolution of Van Helsing’s fate makes no sense but at least it makes no sense with plenty of shocks and winces. Yes, the blood may be redder than ketchup but the violence is gritty and looks like it would hurt. 

As with many of the Hammer classics the plot is a little on the thin side and full of holes (for example, if the Baron can transform into a highly-unconvincing bat why couldn’t he do this to escape his mother’s chains?) but the shortcomings can be forgiven for the sheer style of the piece. 

Terrifying Trivia 

• The pressbook for the film offered the following advice for cinema managers – ” Make sure that at all performamces of The Brides of Dracula you have nurses or St John’s men prominently patrolling your theatre. Rig up a First-Aid Station near the entrance fully stocked with smelling salts, aspirin and sal volatile…”
• The original script was entitled ‘Dracula and the Damned. ‘ 
• The climax of the film was originally have the baron destroyed by a swarm of bats. This was abandoned as too expensive but would be recycled three years later for the climax of Kiss of the Vampire

 

High Points 
Greta and the ‘birth’ of a new vampire by the grave, the Baron’s revenge on Van Helsing and the good Doctor’s brave return from the brink of death, the gruesome makeup after Van Helsing gives the Baron a little facewash with holy water.

Low Points 
Unconvincing villagers, even more unconvincing bats, the ‘Brides’ bizarre foundation – do the undead forget how to apply make-up?

Skulls out of Five

The Wolf Man goes Solo

 I wonder where the team behind Universal’s new Wolf Man movie looked for inspiration for costumes?

If this early shot of the Mezco action figure is anything to go by, its the pilot that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

Well, Han always had a soft spot for walking carpets.

Curse of the Werewolf

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‘He fought the hideous curse of his evil birth, but his ravished victims were proof that the cravings of his beast-blood demanded he kill… Kill… KILL!’

‘He had but one body – yet lived with two souls!’

‘Half-man… Half-wolf’

‘Even the innocent girl who loved him was not safe… once the full moon rose!’

Director Terence Fisher
Writer Guy Endore (novel), Anthony Hinds (screenplay)

Stars Clifford Evans (Don Alfredo Corledo), Oliver Reed (Leon Corledo), Yvonne Romain (Jailer’s Daughter), Catherine Feller (Cristina Fernando), Anthony Dawson (Marques Siniestro) Richard Wordsworth (Beggar)

Certificate X
Year 1961

Dastardly Plot
An old beggar stumbles on the wedding of the local Marques and his buxom wife (well, this is a Hammer film) After the rotter makes the hobo dance for his supper he promptly chucks him in jail. Years later, the beggar’s been left to rot, cared only by the jailer’s mute but (obviously) buxom daughter. He’s not alone for long though as, after the daughter resisted the Marques advances she’s also thrown in the clink where, to thank her for her years of kindness the beggar rapes her. On being released from behind bars she takes no time in stabbing the Marques and running off, only to nearly drown in the local lake. Found by Don Corledo she promptly has a baby and shuffles off this mortal coil to leave her cursed son in Corledo’s hands.
(Have you worked out this isn’t a happy film yet?)
After a trouble childhood of worrying sheep and therefore worrying his parents even more, young Leon grows up to be the spitting image of Olly Reed and promptly falls in love with a surprisingly not so buxom lass in all of 23 seconds. But can their love survive the fact that he gets a bit hairy when the moon is full?
Probably not…

Vicious Verdict
Let’s make no bones about it – Curse of the Werewolf is one grim movie. Don’t be expecting much in the way of comic relief here. The, slightly overlong, introduction to Leon’s parentage reveals a succession of characters that are mad, bad or scuicidal. Then as poor Leon enters manhood the curse weighs heavy on every scene with the wolfy-one murdering left, right and centre and then torturing himself in the aftermath.

Unfortunately, for all its pathos, the film hardly rarely raises the interest levels. There are plenty of original ideas, such as the fact that the lyncanthropy is a result of a curse from heaven for an unwanted baby being born on Christmas day rather than the traditional bite, but these are lost in the general tedium of the affair.

And you have to wonder why Fisher decided to wait so long to finally reveal the werewolf itself. The iconic make-up only goes under the moonlight in the last ten minutes or so, wasting the monster in a pointless romp around spanishesque buildings in an obvious case of padding. Yes, the reason was probably so that the film examined a man wrestling with his internal demons and struggling with an unescapable fate, but at the end of the day this is a Hammer monster movie and the people would have flocked to the cinema to see the monster itself. It’s a little too little too late.

No-wonder the box-office results didn’t prompt Hammer to go down the werewolf route again.

Terrifying Trivia 

• The film is based on Guy Endore’s 1944 novel, The Werewolf of Paris which was originally optioned by Universal who later subcontracted it to Hammer. The company had been working on The Inquisitor, a project concerning the Spanish Inquisition but had taken the decision to drop the production after threats of condemnation by the Catholic Church. However, to at least salvage the expensive sets, the werewolf was transfered from France to a decidenly Kent-like Spain.
• In one of the earlier drafts the beggar was also a werewolf but the censor decided that sex plus supernatural equaled one step too far.

Quaking Quotes
“A werewolf is a body where a soul and a spirit are constantly at war. Whatever weakens the human spirit, this brings the spirit of the werewolf to the fore. And whatever weakens the spirit of the beast… warmth, fellowship, love… raises the spirit of the soul…”

High Points 
The child with unnaturally hairy arms, the baptism’s ‘rejection’ of the cursed child, the iconic werewolf (don’t say Wolfman if you don’t want to be sued) make-up.

Low Points 
The fact that our anti-hero isn’t exactly known for his charm and yet manages to form a deep and meaningful relationship in less time that it would take Casanova to tie his shoe-laces. Hasn’t he heard that being too keen can scare aware a woman?

Skulls (out of five)

Dear Vlad

Things you will never see in newspapers # 1:

Vlad the Impaler stands in for the Sun’s agony aunt Dear Deidre…

Dear Vlad, I have been in a good relationship for three years but have recently found out that boyfield has been cheating on me what should I do?

You poor baby. He’s obviously a rotter. I would suggest that you insert a sharpened pole through, say, his side or rectum, you can then plant your cheating pig of a boyfriend as a washing line pole in the back garden. 

Of course if you really want him to suffer you can insert the stake so that it avoids immediate death and will function as a plug to prevent extreme blood loss. his agony will be prolonged for many hours. 

For more help phone my HOW TO IMPALE YOUR CHEATING PARTNER helpline. 

I played a practical joke on my boyfriend to prove that looks are only skin deep. But now it’s backfired and I’m scared it will end our relationship. 

It started when I was teasing him about how he hates ginger hair. When he was away one weekend I dyed my hair red. 

I thought he’d see the funny side but he was furious. He said he’d be embarrassed to go out with me and I should dye my hair back. But I feel the truth came out that night. I am still ginger and want him to prove he loves me for who I am, not how I look. Am I being over-sensitive? 

No, of course you’re not being over-sensitive. Why not teach him that he shoudn’t be so shallow by nailing a red wig to his head? I’m sure he’ll be more sensitive after that. If all else fails, you can always impale him…

For more help phone my HANGING YOUR INSENSITIVE LOVER FROM A RUSTY SPEAR helpline.

Dear Vlad, My flatmate has bought a gerbil. I can’t stand small furry animals. What should I do…

Have you tried impaling the little fella?

The Mummy Dark Resurrection

There are a few things I couldn’t fit into Mummy month, so there will be some more mummified muttering over the next few days…

Dark Resurrection is the six of Dark Horse’s Universal Monster novels but unlike its predecessors, Michael Paine’s novel isn’t a direct sequel to the classic movie but a re-imagining. Imhotep’s backstory is slightly retconned and a new story is woven around Ardath Bey. It’s a nice little page-turner but unfortunately never really holds together. The old suspension of disbelief wears a bit thing as the cursed Joss Brandt starts having family members dropping dead left, right and centre, all in mysterious circumstances, but is still is worried about throwing a birthday party for his aging gran.

The other problem is that Paine has forgotten this is a mummy novel and instead delivers a shed-load of zombies, as corpses galore rise from the dead to rip the living apart. At first these scenes are quite chilling, but soon follows an increasingly familiar formula; a previously unseen member of the Brandt dynasty (who largely don’t seem very nice at all) are torn asunder and found dead before the action immediately shifts back to an increasingly confused Joss.

So much of the novel is spent with these undead killings, that when we finally get to the conclusion it feels as if Paine has rushed to tie up all the strands that have flapped around like a bunch of rotten bandages for the previous 200 pages.

It’s just a shame that Ardath Bey only really makes an impact on the plot in these final, rushed pages and even more of a shame that you can’t ever imagine Boris Karloff acting out the character that is supposedly based on the role he so perfectly created.

This one should have probably stayed in the tomb…

2 (out of 5) tana leaves

Dead Set: The climax

So, Dead Set has finished its run for halloween on E4 with a final chilling montage of shots that were chillingly depressing and therefore classic zombie.

I loved this series. OK, there were a couple of points when it dragged a bit but on the whole it nipped along like a rabid, brain-hungry, breathing-impaired meat-lover. 

Five things I loved about Dead Set:

5. The brain-dead contestant casually flicking through a copy of Heat while a zombie claws at the locked door.

4. The slimy, egotistical producer enjoying gutting the corpse of a transvestite male nurse a little bit too much.

3. The zombies almost licking the glass of the two way mirrors as Kelly peers out oblivious that it’s so close.

2. That gut-wrenching climax that snatches utter despair from the jaws of well, a little less despair at least. Romero would have been proud (in fact, Dead Set could, dare I say it, teach the old master of the shuffling dead if Diary of the Dead is anything to go by)

1. Zombie Davina. Who would have thought she would have been that good?

4 (out of 5) tana leaves

Save the Werewolves

How many times have we heard this story? Parents bring home their children a rabid creature from the darkest pit of hell for a special Halloween treat. They think it’s all cute at first, the hideous mutations, the mountains of bloody corpses, the way it wakes up the next day naked and confused in the local zoo, its eyebrows meeting in the middle….
And then, as November rolls on, the novelty wears off. Soon the werewolf finds itself abandoned, with hundreds in danger every year of being drowned in the local brook or, worse of all, finding themselves at the wrong end of a silver bullet.

If we’re not careful, our grandchildren will only experience werewolves in captivity. No danger of them being ravished by one if they wander off the path and then being forced to go home with a fit nurse with a fondness for showers – when they’re not being plagued by the endless, recurring nightmares of nazi zombies hiding behind their curtains of course. No more innocent souls tormented by their inner demon and doomed to end their days being hunted down and shot like a wild animal.

Is that the kind of world you want them to live in?

So, when you consider bringing home a changeling for this 31st October remember that a Lyncanthope is for life, not just for Halloween…

This campaign could change our world for the better and ensure that the curse of the lonely werewolf will continue throughout this century and being. Please consider signing up and pledging your support and watch this space for the wallpapers, button badges and campaign t-shirts…

Together we can Save the Werewolves

Dracula Meets The Wolfman # 1

“How similar love and hunger are. Both make a man want. And both Man will kill for.”

Any fan of 1970s fantasy art knows the name Frank Frazetta. His covers for Tarzan and Conan are legendary, but while I’m no fan of sword ‘n’ sorcery, I love both his sci-fi pulp covers and his dabblings in classic horror. Take Dracula meets the Wolf Man for example. Originally appeared on the cover to Creepy #7, which hit the newsstand in 1965, its a wonderfully gothic compostition, complete with ruined cathedral and graveyard. I used to have a dog-eared poster of this on my wall when I was a kid so was very excited when I saw this one-shot from Image.

This is one of the recent run of comics that attempts to tell the story behind the picture. Writing duties fall to 30 Days of Night‘s Steve Niles with art by Francesco Francavilla. Sounds good so far. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite live up to the hype. The story is minimal and hardly world shattering; Drac needs to drink the blood of a virgin and is about to sink the old fangs in when her lover, a Loups Garoux pops up and they have a wrestle. And that’s about it. The climax is a bit of a cop-out and the abrupt ending irritates rather than leaves you gagging for more. 

This a comic that relies on nostalgia and buckets of atmosphere to save a razor-thin story and it almost pulls it off. Unfortuanately, almost isn’t enough. If it didn’t have Frank Frazetta’s name connected to it, Dracula Meets The Wolfman would be dismissed as an instantly forgettable and ultimately disappointingly unoriginal rehash. 

1 (out of 5) Tana Leaves

Curse from the Mummy’s Tomb

Half bone, half bandage…all blood-curdling terror!

For a movie about the curse of eternal life Hammer’s second Mummy movie is just plain lifeless. The plot, which is strangely obsessed with people’s hands being chopped off, is painfully drawn out and the acting lack-luster. Of the bad guys, Dickie Owen’s faceless mummy is a lumbering, uninspiring throw-back to the worst of the Universal Kharis pictures and Terence Morgan’s Adam Beaucamp is signposted so early on as the villain of the piece that any mystery is washed down the nile within seconds of his apperance. He might as well be wearing a sign saying ‘I’m controlling the Mummy, me, me, over here!’ The reason for his villainy is actually quite a nice twist and is one of the films few saving graces (one being the ever-watchable Fred Clark and the American showman determined to make his millions from the Mummy and our linen-wrapped juggernaut’s particularly nasty dispatch of George Pastall. It ain’t nice having your head popped beneath the foot of a 5,000 year old living corpse even if it does happen out of shot).
A weak effort from Hammer at the time where they could do little wrong.  

2 (out of 5) Tana Leaves

Dead Set

Just watched last night’s episode of Dead Set, a new zombie drama on E4. If you’ve not seen it, Dead Set follows the events of a zombie outbreak that takes place on the eviction night of Channel Four’s Big Brother. As the sun rises on a new dawn, the only survivors are the contestants in the house, a terrified show runner and the smarmy producer.

I absolutely loved it. Fantastic pacing, more gore than you’d expect for a TV show (but not enough to be silly) and good scary zombies. The frenzied cuts of the zombie outbreak itself were unsettling but the aftermath the next morning really brought up the goosebumps; zombies are almost licking the monitor screens showing the bliss-fully unaware housemates who we watch through the usual two way mirrors – the only difference is that the two way mirrors are now smeared with blood. Some really nice touches for geeks, er fans like me, the throwaway reference to the Manchester Morgue for example. 

Oh yes, and then there’s the zombie Davina. Lovely touch, and good on you Queen D for getting stuck in – literally.

As good as any zombie movie I’ve seen recently. Can’t wait for episode two tonight…

 

The Mummies Live

These are amazing. I followed the link from the ever wonderful Frankensteinia and found myself browsing the site of Cheshire born sculptor Mike Hill who has left the UK for the sunny climbs of LA. I’d seen his amazing Batman and Superman wax-statues in the DC Mythology book but have never seen these amazing busts. His Frankenstein sculpts have to be seen to be believed but the accuracy on these mummy busts of Karloff and Lee is staggering. Just look at that expression in the Hammer Mummy’s face and Karloff’s the Uncanny’s gaze has perhaps never been so hypnotic… 

The Mummy’s Shroud

Beware the beat of the cloth-wrapped feet

Some people hate this movie, and I’ve yet to work out why. Sure, it has its faults (what Hammer horror doesn’t) but it also contains some bona fide chills that set it head and bandaged shoulders over other mummy capers.

It’s true that you do have to wait an awful long time for any mummy-action – the prologue is almost unbearable and when you get past a flashback sequence which features acting and sets that a school play would be ashamed off you then have to cope with a lot of mucking around in the desert – but when it happens, it’s certainly worth the wait. The mummy itself has been the cause of some controversy. Some say that it’s a step back from the make-up of either the Universal flicks or Hammer’s own 1959 effort. But there’s one thing to remember. This bad-boy was actually based on a real-life mummy (so to speak) found in the British Museum. While you’re missing the pathos of Lee in The Mummy, you’re treated to an unstoppable killing machine. It’s like the Terminator wrapped in linen. And once the killing starts, the fun begins. Our avenging slave, Prem, is as creative as he is unrelenting. My favourite death (which is an odd-thing to write sometimes) is Prem’s second victim who is knocked to the ground and then burnt to death after the mummy has smashed a bottle of acid over his head. Nasty doesn’t begin to cover it. Here we also have a mummy who kindly clears away after himself by hanging up the corpses in the cleaner’s cupboard, but still is apposed to braining someone against the wall when time is short. The fact that this is all carried out by a killer with an emotionless mask for a face is all the more unsettling.

Of the mummy’s co-stars, John Philips shines in his blustery performance as the glory-hunting bigot, Stanley Preston, but is acted off the screen by Michael Ripper as Preston’s put-upon and eternally nervous agent, Longbarrow. I challenge anyone to remain unmoved by his sad exit, poor soul.

Yes, I will admit that The Mummy’s Shroud has its problems. The low budget means that the sets leave a lot to be desired and some of the supporting players seem plain bored, but there’s still much to enjoy, not-the-least in the final showdown in the museum complete with an axe in the neck, words of death, a pre-Doctor Who Roger Delgado and a fantastically crumbly undead head. 

3 (out of 5) tana-leaves

What’s monstrous? Mummydogs

Having a wander around what I think I’m supposed to call the blogosphere, I stumbled upon Exploitation Retrospect’s review of Dawn of the Mummy, which I’ve never seen but one day aim to hunt down like the rabid dog it’s supposed to be. 

It also pointed me in the way of these mummydogs. That’ll be what I’m making with my daughter for her halloween part then…

“Cowabunga effendi!”

So, if you’re attacked by a mummy and don’t have any Twinkies or Special Mummy Ray, you’re pretty much doomed. Unless of course, you’re attacked by a mummified Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and then all you need is some pizza hidden somewhere on your person. In 1993, Playmates teamed up with Universal to release classic horror versions of the heroes in a halfshell. Raph found himself wrapped up. 

I remember seeing this and being an oh-so-mature 20 year old thought it was too childish to buy one. Now I’m wondering if I can find it on ebay. I shouldn’t look… should I?

In the meantime, here’s the blurb from the box:

“Taped up in a pyramid for thousands of years, disturbed by the foul Foot, Raph the Mummy lives and breathes! And he’s glowin’ to get out of his tomb and stalk the earth, just like the classic Universal Mummy! Rising from its deep dark depths, Raph the Mummy climbs out of his sarcophagus in search of Shredder – and pizza. And he’ll make anyone who gets in his way pay! The cost will be nothing less than one killer curse! And this is a curse that cannot be broken, except with a pepperoni pizza, drownin’ in olives. Raph’s easily won over with pizza, yes, but he’s still scary, cuz he glows in the dark! That helps him see at night, but it’s been so long since he’s seen the light of day, he may not know what he’s swingin’ at with his cobra sais and stealthy stone dagger! So beware – and if you ever hear a Mutant moan, you can be sure it’s Raph, the mummblin’, mummified monstrous Universal monster! Whoever wakes him better have a wedge to serve him – or you will be forever cursed, just like the Clan! “

It’s Hammer time: The Mummy (1959)

Torn from the tomb to terrify the world!

You have to wonder about Peter Cushing’s archealogist John Banning. He’s been studying the ancient Egyptian priestess, Princess Ananka for most of his adult life, and is so dedicated to the cause that he risks being crippled forever rather than missing the opening of her tomb, and yet he doesn’t twig that his wife, rather conveniently, is the spitting image of her. What a plum.

After enduring The Mummy’s Curse I was more than releaved to fast forward fifteen years to Hammer’s 1959 The Mummy. Of course, the Terence Fisher flick is almost a Universal mega-mix. There’s the scroll of life from The Mummy, the legend of Kharis from The Mummy’s Hand and the swampy finish of The Mummy’s Curse. But while the Universal Mummy’s were set in the present day (or even the future) Hammer’s offering was firmly set in what was becoming its signature gothic style. 

There’s another Hammer icon here; Christopher Lee as the living corpse himself and without doubt Lee is the joy of this film. Encased in wonderfully rotting bandages, his is a Kharis who is brutal and driven. Though stiff-legged, when he’s set you in his sights, you don’t stand much chance. Smashing through doors and windows, he’s like a juggernaut, marching forward with terrifying speed. And then there’s those eyes. They really are the window to Kharis’s troubled soul; terrifying one second and bursting with pathos the next. The scene when he first spots the doppelgänger of his beloved Ananka is simply beautiful and on a level of Karloff’s best monster performances.

The movie does have its faults. The opening is a trifle slow and you have to question why Ananka’s tomb has escaped tomb robbers as it’s defenses seem to be a couple of doors from MFI and a piece of garden twine, but as soon as the action moves to Britain, its a full on creep-fest with sinister fez-wearing priests, drunken peasants, lunatics and even a debate of whether displaying ancient corpse’s is morally right. Mummy movies never got better than this. 

4 (out of 5) Tana Leaves

TERRIFYING TRIVIA
Ananka’s High Priest, Mehemet Bey, is played by George Pastell who eight years later, in the guise of Eric Kleig, would be raiding tombs of the planet Telos, in Doctor Who’s first tribute to the Mummy genre, .

Poll: Which is your favourite version of The Mummy?

It’s the clash of the Mummies. Karloff vs. Lee vs. Vosloo. Monochrome vs. technicolour vs. cgi. Who will survive the desert storm? Let’s get ready to rumble! 

Thank you for voting. Now please enjoy a picture of the lovely Zita Johann, the original Mummy squeeze. Hurrah!

Marvel Adventures Hulk 13: Are You My Mummy?

“The Thunderclap of Thor will destroy you in the name of The Living Pharoah…”

This must be the year that the Hulk faces classic monsters. This month we see him duking it out with Frankenstein’s Monster, but in July ol’ tall, green and angry faced off a New York full of mummified superheroes. Marvel Adventures is the comic book house’s range of titles that are safe for all ages but if you’re not afraid to unleash the inner kid in you, then this is full of fun. Bruce Banner, Rick Jones and their pet monkey, called, er, monkey arrive back in New York to discover that the citizens are cowering in their homes, the streets are abandoned and a giant pyramid has been built slap bang in the middle of the big apple. When they spot NYPD officers in the distance, they rush over to New York’s finest to discover what’s going on, but before you can say “Great Cheops” they realise that the cops have been turned into brain-dead mummies and Banner is hulking out to save his friends. Things go from bad to worse when it transpires that it isn’t just the police that are wrapped up (geddit?) in the affairs of that evil mutant, the Living Pharaoh, but any figure of authority on Manhatten. Unfortunately, in the Marvel universe that also includes the likes of the Avengers, Fantastic Four and X-Men. 

As I said this is just fun, pure and simple and refreshingly old fashioned to boot. Don’t be expecting the creep out horror of Marvel Zombies, or any plot that will tax your brain. That’s not to say that there isn’t something a little spooky about the mummified heroes; the wide staring eyes of Captain America is a little unsettling and the ending? Well, you’ll never look at the Silver Surfer in the same light again. 

3 (out of 5) Tana Leaves

Inca Mummy Girl

Sunnydale. You gotta wonder why people moved there. Sure, they didn’t know about the entire Hellmouth thing, but the place is as doomed as Albert Square on December 25th. When a touring Incan mummy exhibit comes to the local museum you can be sure that before long our cheerleading Vamp hunter is going to have to start kicking undead butt.

At least it’s a shapely butt. Ara Celi is stunning as a 500 year old Ican princess who escapes her tomb when a student manages to smash the seal that keeps her safely living impaired. He gets a big mummified snog and she gets all of his life energy. Before too long the truly yummy mummy is posing as an exchange student and has worked her way into Buffy’s Scooby Gang and is desperately trying to live a normal life while goofy old Xander tries to get into her… affections. The normal life thing isn’t helped though by her habit of draining life-force and scattering seriously deceased husks here, there and everywhere. This doesn’t bode well as Xander invites her to the school dance.

This episode is a typical monster-of-the-week romp from the early days of the hit series, before Buffy and co disappeared up their own continuity. The production team were obviously saving their case for the season finale as the makeup and prosthetics are minimal at best. But typically cool Buffy dialogue helps everything nip along nicely and the Mummy Girl is far easier on the eye than Lon Chaney. Interesting to see Buffy tackling one of the ‘classics’ for the first time too. The Wolf Man, Frankenstein and, of course, old Drac were to come. For once the Mummy wasn’t bringing up the rear (which isn’t just another excuse to bring up Ara Celi’s shapely form again. Honest).

3 (out of 5) Tana leaves. 

I want one!

Awwwwww, why don’t we have Sonic Drive-ins in the UK? I have no idea what grub they serve up, but I want their Trick or Treat Tot Parade collection of soft toys. Now, in our Mummy-tastic month I should probably go for the bandaged little fellow, but for me it would have to be Frankenstein. Or Dracula. Or Wolf-Man.

Hell, I want them all.

Actually, no I don’t. What’s the white one? Marsh-mellow Tot? What’s that got to do with Halloween? Perhaps its a Ghostbusters reference?

Mad Monster Merchandise: Soaky Mummy

How cool are these? This terrifying quartet (which I found here) of 10 inch bubble-bath containers, or soakies, were released in 1963 by Colgate-Palmolive in the States. Obviously in Mummy Month our attention turns to the plastic Kharis, complete with most un-Universal blood splatters (and even a little bit of the red-stuff on the lips – and I don’t mean lipstick), but you’ve got to love that Frankenstein who looks about 17! And how freaky are Wolfie’s eyes.

Anyway, check your loft in case you’ve got any of these babies. Individually they can raise $100 (58 quid-ish) but together the fiendish four went for $728 (£420) in a Denver auction in 2005. Suddenly I don’t think I’m going to throw away my black Dalek bubble bath from last Chrimbo!